keyboard_arrow_up

Hopeless

Dear Dr. Love,

I used to go out with this guy 5 years ago, I have been in love with him for about 6 years now. About 6 months ago we started talking and kind of seeing one another however he is engaged and he tells me he really likes me and wants to have sexual relations, and oral sex. He says he is afraid that his fiancee will find out if he does these things. . I am so much in love with him I would do anything for him. . . Please help me!!!!!

Hopeless

Answer: 


So, let's see if I get this straight. This man who is engaged to another woman wants you to give him oral sex. He wants you to do it on the sly so that he doesn't jeopardize his relationship with his fiancee. What's he offering you in return? Lockjaw!!! This man proposes to treat you like a whore. . . or worse. He's not even paying to use you.

At this point, I think you need to find out why you are so in love with someone who degrades you. I can give you a hint as to why I think you are so drawn this man. If you read over your letter, you will see that you sound desperate to have him. Your urgent tone gives me a clue that your mind is locked in a repetition compulsion (the urge to recreate a traumatic aspect of childhood, so that it can work for a happier ending). What traumatic aspect of your childhood is being recreated here? I suspect that you felt you had to chase your dad (or mom) for love and attention, and that despite your efforts, you felt used and not loved back.

By giving this man what he wants, you are sending out the message: Use me, buddy. I don't respect myself, so you don't have to either. You will never win this man by allowing yourself to be used. I repeat, he will never respect you or love you, if you go through with your plan.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)